i want you to be straight with me...completely honest, not just honest while leaving certain information out.
i want you to be honest with yourself...what the fuck are you doing?
i want you to be happy, but that means making others happy too...are you really giving all of yourself or just enough to keep yourself satisfied?
i want you to really live, do something that means something.
i want you to understand another point of view completely.
i want you to look beyond the surface...there is more there than what you see...it's okay to ask questions, they shouldn't be a burden.
i want you to get our of my head because i don't want to care anymore. but i do.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Sunday, October 7, 2007
should be a bitch more often
i am the most forgiving and understanding person in the world! i think i should stop being so fucking nice all of the time.
others can cause me pain but i am unable to see purely see them as bad people or hate them because of one thing. they are usually still good people. but i wish i could just be mean and bitchy. unfortunately if i have ever remotely cared about the person, then i really can't do that. just not in my nature. oh, but how i wish i could.
i am just a real fucking nice person god-dammit!
others can cause me pain but i am unable to see purely see them as bad people or hate them because of one thing. they are usually still good people. but i wish i could just be mean and bitchy. unfortunately if i have ever remotely cared about the person, then i really can't do that. just not in my nature. oh, but how i wish i could.
i am just a real fucking nice person god-dammit!
i don't want to care.
but i do.
so i am going to continue to be who i am, no matter what.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
intent to cry
I feel like my eyes have been incessantly wet for weeks. I think they could probably start leaking at any moment, but nothing (always nothing). Last night I sat down with the intent to cry. I put a sad movie on. Lit a candle. Made myself a drink (because that makes me loose so that I can be more emotional). But nothing. Again. Nothing. I ended up going to bed happy or at least content. Satisfied.
I don't like this feeling of being on the verge. I want to have control of my emotions, careful not to let out these emotions to someone who shouldn't be seeing them. But, that is a contradiction to who I am and who I want to be. You deserve the truth of who I am and what I feel. You should have to face this reality too. I am so easy to read anyway, I couldn't hide anything even if I wanted to .
I wish someone could hear my words with the force with which I am saying them.
I wish I could release, but maybe I am just not ready or maybe I am not as hurt/upset/struggling as much as I think that I am.
I wish I could know me better now.
I don't like this feeling of being on the verge. I want to have control of my emotions, careful not to let out these emotions to someone who shouldn't be seeing them. But, that is a contradiction to who I am and who I want to be. You deserve the truth of who I am and what I feel. You should have to face this reality too. I am so easy to read anyway, I couldn't hide anything even if I wanted to .
I wish someone could hear my words with the force with which I am saying them.
I wish I could release, but maybe I am just not ready or maybe I am not as hurt/upset/struggling as much as I think that I am.
I wish I could know me better now.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
REFLECTING
dress
I decided in high school that I needed to project a certain image of myself so that I could attract the right kind of friends to me. Clothing was the best way to do that in my school because it helped you to stand out. I dressed as dark as possible while drawing attention to myself through funny, different dress like goofy t-shirts. I had one that said “dork” and another that said “walking contradiction”. There was always enough there to get noticed, but not enough to look like I was trying to hard. I just rolled out of bed looking like this. I also would not leave the house without mascara on, and if there was time, it was absolutely necessary to wear dark dark dark eye liner and shadow. My hair was long and I didn’t make an effort to keep it out of my face. I also frequently wore hats so that half of my face was covered. I was mysterious because you couldn’t see any of me.
music
Music scratches at the soul of young people because it can express what they are thinking, sometimes better than they can. Or, at least this is how it worked for me. Most of the people in high school that I hung out with had very different tastes in music. You knew it was different because you had never heard of it before. Because of this, there were always some bands I could not admit to liking because they were not as obscure. I liked to listen to some music that was on the radio, so it could be considered mainstream. If there was ever someone in my car I would make sure that I had an appropriate CD to listen to, something more obscure. There was one radio station that was ok to listen to, but it was better to have a CD. I remember I saw a guy I liked walking to school and offered him a ride the rest of the way to school. He was so hot with his tight jeans, scruffy facial hair, and brooding attitude. Being near him was crazy exciting. But I didn’t have a CD that day, just the radio. I felt so embarrassed and knew that we would never be together, instead just tried to get the rest of the way into school without making too big of a fool of myself.
places
It was absolutely necessary to go to the right types of places and be involved in the right types of activities. There was one coffee shop, Dunn Brothers, where everyone went, or at least the people who I wanted to get noticed by. We had all sorts of conversations about movies, politics, drugs, and art. Everyone had strong opinions about the topic and we could talk for hours while drinking our coffee. All the people that went there were interested in issues like nonviolence, environmental causes, as well as human rights. There were groups that we talked about that held meetings all the time about things that you could do. Friends for a Nonviolent World, a non-profit in Minneapolis, did an Iraq Education Session about why nonviolence was the better solution than going to war. Students for Equitable Global Opportunities (SEGO) had meetings once a week about things that we could be doing for the environment. And the Gay Straight Alliance held meetings to celebrate diversity and did things to promote understanding about gay rights issues. There were high hopes all around about how we were all going to change the world. I went to meetings held by those organizations, but it was rare to see people from Dunn Brothers at those events.
body art
I convinced my mother to allow me to get my navel pierced when I was seventeen, a whole year before I was legally able to do so by myself. It was such a rebellious thing to do, and I wanted to be the first of my friends to do it. I really felt that getting my navel pierced would say something about who I was to the world. I showed everyone right afterwards because I was so excited. My friends were excited for me. I showed it to my dad and he looked away in disgust. He could not believe that I would actually do something like that my body, and I don’t think that he was too happy with my mother for letting me. I liked the positive attention from all of my friends, and I loved the negative attention from my father too.
IMAGE
I always had this image in my head that represented a perfect moment of calm for reflection. I am sitting on a balcony on a warm, star filled night. The chair is comfortable and I am able to sink into it in a way that allows me to melt away from the world. I am smoking a cigarette, and with every inhale I am able to truly reflect on my life and the world. I close my eyes. My eyes can close so well sometimes and in this moment they are perfectly relaxed. I can sense nothing around me. My mind is clear to think as I am marooned away from the world. In thinking about this image in my head I make it out to be necessary for my sanity, even if moments like those come few and far between. It is an absolutely perfect place for me to be when I need to relax.
But, there is a real problem with this image. My perceived moment of calm will never happen, and I don’t particularly want it to. I would have to take up smoking, which I don’t plan on doing because it is a pretty nasty habit and the health risks are too great. My neighbor smokes and the sound of the phlegm that comes out of him in the morning is disgusting. Also, I don’t have a balcony and I don’t know where the idea of a balcony even came from because I have never had a balcony. And, I would also have to figure out how it get an entire bathtub out on this non-existent balcony that is filled with hot water and bubbles because when I actually want to think and be calm I am much more likely to take a bubble bath than do anything else. The warm water is soothing and being underwater allows the world to sound far away. This moment of calm reflects reality, rather than just an image.
body art
I fell in love with an artist named Sabrina Ward Harrison. Her artwork along with her poetry and journaling inspired me to try to express myself. I started to paint and tried to find new ways to express myself by incorporating my poetry, photography, and paintings into many different pieces of work. I actually tried to surrender to my emotions and really try to show through the pieces what I was feeling. I did this on my body as well when I got a tattoo that I personally designed. I put it on my ankle where it can be seen sometimes, but not all the time. During the winter when I wear socks for a long period of time I sometimes forget that it is there. When I do finally see it again I always get a smile on my face.
places
I like to spend a lot time in my bedroom because I think it is the most comfortable place to be. When I do to coffee shops I like to go to places that have comfortable chairs to sit in and good, but soft music so that I can get work done if I need to. I don’t tend to run into too many people that I know, mostly because I don’t go to just one place all of the time. I like to change it up and go to a bunch of different places and see what different types of comfy chairs I can sit in. As long as I can sit and read a good book without too much disturbance at the places I am happy. I sat at Michelangelo’s for a whole day once when I was working on a paper. It snowed all day. Although it was not my bedroom, it was the perfect place to be to watch the snow come down and have something warm in my tummy at the same time. I think I managed to get some work done too. When I go home I will still go to Dunn Brothers just because it brings back some good memories, but it is very different than it used to be.
music
I listen to whatever is on my iPod because I was the one to put it there. I think I have a good mix of everything. Lately I have been listening to a lot of Joni Mitchell and other female vocalists. There is one song called “Brave” by Stephanie Dosen that really speaks to me. I never get sick of listening to it. It talks about dealing with the world around you and being brave with everything that you encounter. It is a soft and quiet song that moves through my ears like the wind through my hair, easily and freely. The song is a good reminder that I should act bravely too. I don’t really listen to the radio anymore because I do not have a car so the choice of what I listen to is always up to me.
dress
Clothing that is comfortable is absolutely necessary in college. The only time I really think about what I am going to wear is when I have time in the morning before I leave, which does not happen too often. I have to be able to walk long distances, so wearing something that works is the most important. Layering is very important because I go in and out of buildings and the weather affects me so much more than it used to. I usually leave the house wearing about four layers when it is cold outside. A tank top, long sleeve shirt, t-shirt, and some sort of sweater is the usual outfit because once you leave the house you can’t get more, but you can always remove. It makes me feel a little bulky, but since I am usually cold anyway, this is the best way for me to dress. My roommates always used to ask me, “how many layers you got on today?” I guess it was pretty funny since they were usually only wearing about two layers. But at least I was warm. I like wearing black within the layers just because black goes with everything so I don’t look too mismatched. I don’t think I project a certain image with all those clothes, but I think it does say that at least, if anything else, I am warm.
I decided in high school that I needed to project a certain image of myself so that I could attract the right kind of friends to me. Clothing was the best way to do that in my school because it helped you to stand out. I dressed as dark as possible while drawing attention to myself through funny, different dress like goofy t-shirts. I had one that said “dork” and another that said “walking contradiction”. There was always enough there to get noticed, but not enough to look like I was trying to hard. I just rolled out of bed looking like this. I also would not leave the house without mascara on, and if there was time, it was absolutely necessary to wear dark dark dark eye liner and shadow. My hair was long and I didn’t make an effort to keep it out of my face. I also frequently wore hats so that half of my face was covered. I was mysterious because you couldn’t see any of me.
music
Music scratches at the soul of young people because it can express what they are thinking, sometimes better than they can. Or, at least this is how it worked for me. Most of the people in high school that I hung out with had very different tastes in music. You knew it was different because you had never heard of it before. Because of this, there were always some bands I could not admit to liking because they were not as obscure. I liked to listen to some music that was on the radio, so it could be considered mainstream. If there was ever someone in my car I would make sure that I had an appropriate CD to listen to, something more obscure. There was one radio station that was ok to listen to, but it was better to have a CD. I remember I saw a guy I liked walking to school and offered him a ride the rest of the way to school. He was so hot with his tight jeans, scruffy facial hair, and brooding attitude. Being near him was crazy exciting. But I didn’t have a CD that day, just the radio. I felt so embarrassed and knew that we would never be together, instead just tried to get the rest of the way into school without making too big of a fool of myself.
places
It was absolutely necessary to go to the right types of places and be involved in the right types of activities. There was one coffee shop, Dunn Brothers, where everyone went, or at least the people who I wanted to get noticed by. We had all sorts of conversations about movies, politics, drugs, and art. Everyone had strong opinions about the topic and we could talk for hours while drinking our coffee. All the people that went there were interested in issues like nonviolence, environmental causes, as well as human rights. There were groups that we talked about that held meetings all the time about things that you could do. Friends for a Nonviolent World, a non-profit in Minneapolis, did an Iraq Education Session about why nonviolence was the better solution than going to war. Students for Equitable Global Opportunities (SEGO) had meetings once a week about things that we could be doing for the environment. And the Gay Straight Alliance held meetings to celebrate diversity and did things to promote understanding about gay rights issues. There were high hopes all around about how we were all going to change the world. I went to meetings held by those organizations, but it was rare to see people from Dunn Brothers at those events.
body art
I convinced my mother to allow me to get my navel pierced when I was seventeen, a whole year before I was legally able to do so by myself. It was such a rebellious thing to do, and I wanted to be the first of my friends to do it. I really felt that getting my navel pierced would say something about who I was to the world. I showed everyone right afterwards because I was so excited. My friends were excited for me. I showed it to my dad and he looked away in disgust. He could not believe that I would actually do something like that my body, and I don’t think that he was too happy with my mother for letting me. I liked the positive attention from all of my friends, and I loved the negative attention from my father too.
IMAGE
I always had this image in my head that represented a perfect moment of calm for reflection. I am sitting on a balcony on a warm, star filled night. The chair is comfortable and I am able to sink into it in a way that allows me to melt away from the world. I am smoking a cigarette, and with every inhale I am able to truly reflect on my life and the world. I close my eyes. My eyes can close so well sometimes and in this moment they are perfectly relaxed. I can sense nothing around me. My mind is clear to think as I am marooned away from the world. In thinking about this image in my head I make it out to be necessary for my sanity, even if moments like those come few and far between. It is an absolutely perfect place for me to be when I need to relax.
But, there is a real problem with this image. My perceived moment of calm will never happen, and I don’t particularly want it to. I would have to take up smoking, which I don’t plan on doing because it is a pretty nasty habit and the health risks are too great. My neighbor smokes and the sound of the phlegm that comes out of him in the morning is disgusting. Also, I don’t have a balcony and I don’t know where the idea of a balcony even came from because I have never had a balcony. And, I would also have to figure out how it get an entire bathtub out on this non-existent balcony that is filled with hot water and bubbles because when I actually want to think and be calm I am much more likely to take a bubble bath than do anything else. The warm water is soothing and being underwater allows the world to sound far away. This moment of calm reflects reality, rather than just an image.
body art
I fell in love with an artist named Sabrina Ward Harrison. Her artwork along with her poetry and journaling inspired me to try to express myself. I started to paint and tried to find new ways to express myself by incorporating my poetry, photography, and paintings into many different pieces of work. I actually tried to surrender to my emotions and really try to show through the pieces what I was feeling. I did this on my body as well when I got a tattoo that I personally designed. I put it on my ankle where it can be seen sometimes, but not all the time. During the winter when I wear socks for a long period of time I sometimes forget that it is there. When I do finally see it again I always get a smile on my face.
places
I like to spend a lot time in my bedroom because I think it is the most comfortable place to be. When I do to coffee shops I like to go to places that have comfortable chairs to sit in and good, but soft music so that I can get work done if I need to. I don’t tend to run into too many people that I know, mostly because I don’t go to just one place all of the time. I like to change it up and go to a bunch of different places and see what different types of comfy chairs I can sit in. As long as I can sit and read a good book without too much disturbance at the places I am happy. I sat at Michelangelo’s for a whole day once when I was working on a paper. It snowed all day. Although it was not my bedroom, it was the perfect place to be to watch the snow come down and have something warm in my tummy at the same time. I think I managed to get some work done too. When I go home I will still go to Dunn Brothers just because it brings back some good memories, but it is very different than it used to be.
music
I listen to whatever is on my iPod because I was the one to put it there. I think I have a good mix of everything. Lately I have been listening to a lot of Joni Mitchell and other female vocalists. There is one song called “Brave” by Stephanie Dosen that really speaks to me. I never get sick of listening to it. It talks about dealing with the world around you and being brave with everything that you encounter. It is a soft and quiet song that moves through my ears like the wind through my hair, easily and freely. The song is a good reminder that I should act bravely too. I don’t really listen to the radio anymore because I do not have a car so the choice of what I listen to is always up to me.
dress
Clothing that is comfortable is absolutely necessary in college. The only time I really think about what I am going to wear is when I have time in the morning before I leave, which does not happen too often. I have to be able to walk long distances, so wearing something that works is the most important. Layering is very important because I go in and out of buildings and the weather affects me so much more than it used to. I usually leave the house wearing about four layers when it is cold outside. A tank top, long sleeve shirt, t-shirt, and some sort of sweater is the usual outfit because once you leave the house you can’t get more, but you can always remove. It makes me feel a little bulky, but since I am usually cold anyway, this is the best way for me to dress. My roommates always used to ask me, “how many layers you got on today?” I guess it was pretty funny since they were usually only wearing about two layers. But at least I was warm. I like wearing black within the layers just because black goes with everything so I don’t look too mismatched. I don’t think I project a certain image with all those clothes, but I think it does say that at least, if anything else, I am warm.
Friday, September 28, 2007
thank you!
The words of a friend...thank you.
"So, I can't sleep. I've got a lot on my mind at the moment, but for some reason I just started thinking about this thing I saw on someone's facebook profile. I don't remember who it was, but some girl had written on there that she hated girls that called or considered themselves bitches. I guess since you and I have always sort of joked about that, I thought of you too. But anyway, for some reason that's sort of been bugging me. I guess since I do consider myself a bitch, and I obviously don't see that as wrong. So while I was laying in bed I sort of started to think about why I pride myself on that, and this is pretty much what I came up with. Anymore, a bitch is really just someone who knows herself. It's a woman (or any person for that matter) who doesn't feel the need to be nice just cuz it's easier. A woman who holds her own opinions and will defend them. A person who won't be intimidated or mowed over. A person who will be loud and obnoxious when it counts or is necessary (admittedly sometimes when it isn't necessary too). A woman who respects not only herself, but those around her too. I guess that's why I can say I'm a bitch with pride :) And I don't know what made me decide to write you this e-mail and I hope I don't feel too ridiculous when I see it in the morning, but I just wanted you to know that I love you and I love that you know who you are and can be proud of it too."
"So, I can't sleep. I've got a lot on my mind at the moment, but for some reason I just started thinking about this thing I saw on someone's facebook profile. I don't remember who it was, but some girl had written on there that she hated girls that called or considered themselves bitches. I guess since you and I have always sort of joked about that, I thought of you too. But anyway, for some reason that's sort of been bugging me. I guess since I do consider myself a bitch, and I obviously don't see that as wrong. So while I was laying in bed I sort of started to think about why I pride myself on that, and this is pretty much what I came up with. Anymore, a bitch is really just someone who knows herself. It's a woman (or any person for that matter) who doesn't feel the need to be nice just cuz it's easier. A woman who holds her own opinions and will defend them. A person who won't be intimidated or mowed over. A person who will be loud and obnoxious when it counts or is necessary (admittedly sometimes when it isn't necessary too). A woman who respects not only herself, but those around her too. I guess that's why I can say I'm a bitch with pride :) And I don't know what made me decide to write you this e-mail and I hope I don't feel too ridiculous when I see it in the morning, but I just wanted you to know that I love you and I love that you know who you are and can be proud of it too."
every song...
Every song that comes into me ears is the exact replica of everything that I am feeling right now. I find this to be great, but very frustrating at the same time because I am completely uncomfortable with my emotions right now. I wish they were anything but. There is obviously a reason why the music I am listening to relates to me, I did pick it out. I just don't really want to lay in bed another night, listening to Stephanie Dosen for the 100th time, and looking into space. But it is absolutely going to happen.
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