intent to cry

I feel like my eyes have been incessantly wet for weeks. I think they could probably start leaking at any moment, but nothing (always nothing). Last night I sat down with the intent to cry. I put a sad movie on. Lit a candle. Made myself a drink (because that makes me loose so that I can be more emotional). But nothing. Again. Nothing. I ended up going to bed happy or at least content. Satisfied.

I don't like this feeling of being on the verge. I want to have control of my emotions, careful not to let out these emotions to someone who shouldn't be seeing them. But, that is a contradiction to who I am and who I want to be. You deserve the truth of who I am and what I feel. You should have to face this reality too. I am so easy to read anyway, I couldn't hide anything even if I wanted to .

I wish someone could hear my words with the force with which I am saying them.

I wish I could release, but maybe I am just not ready or maybe I am not as hurt/upset/struggling as much as I think that I am.

I wish I could know me better now.