non-specific male

i want you to be straight with me...completely honest, not just honest while leaving certain information out.

i want you to be honest with yourself...what the fuck are you doing?

i want you to be happy, but that means making others happy too...are you really giving all of yourself or just enough to keep yourself satisfied?

i want you to really live, do something that means something.

i want you to understand another point of view completely.

i want you to look beyond the surface...there is more there than what you see...it's okay to ask questions, they shouldn't be a burden.

i want you to get our of my head because i don't want to care anymore. but i do.

should be a bitch more often

i am the most forgiving and understanding person in the world! i think i should stop being so fucking nice all of the time.

others can cause me pain but i am unable to see purely see them as bad people or hate them because of one thing. they are usually still good people. but i wish i could just be mean and bitchy. unfortunately if i have ever remotely cared about the person, then i really can't do that. just not in my nature. oh, but how i wish i could.

i am just a real fucking nice person god-dammit!

i don't want to care.

but i do.

so i am going to continue to be who i am, no matter what.

intent to cry

I feel like my eyes have been incessantly wet for weeks. I think they could probably start leaking at any moment, but nothing (always nothing). Last night I sat down with the intent to cry. I put a sad movie on. Lit a candle. Made myself a drink (because that makes me loose so that I can be more emotional). But nothing. Again. Nothing. I ended up going to bed happy or at least content. Satisfied.

I don't like this feeling of being on the verge. I want to have control of my emotions, careful not to let out these emotions to someone who shouldn't be seeing them. But, that is a contradiction to who I am and who I want to be. You deserve the truth of who I am and what I feel. You should have to face this reality too. I am so easy to read anyway, I couldn't hide anything even if I wanted to .

I wish someone could hear my words with the force with which I am saying them.

I wish I could release, but maybe I am just not ready or maybe I am not as hurt/upset/struggling as much as I think that I am.

I wish I could know me better now.